Anger, hot-temperedness, being easily provoked, being easily irritated, and offering threatening responses in both word and actions are all forms of control in marriage. Why control? Because if we can exhibit these kinds of things, we can control people to act like we want them to act and get them to do what we want them to do.
Yet 1 Corinthians commands that our love be demonstrated by being even-tempered. To be even-tempered means "not easily ruffled, annoyed, or disturbed; calm". Being angry and hot-tempered is a serious problem in marriages today. At the heart of anger is a wound—our neediness and expectations have been unfulfilled, so we vent. Our spouse has done or said something that hurt us, so we lash out in anger, to get the situation and our feelings back under our control.
For example, our spouse does something that makes you feel insecure or insignificant. You might say something or do something to embarrass them or "put them in their place" so that you can then feel better about yourself and have the control over your spouse to "make up for their mistake". Instead of gently coming to them and sharing how their words or actions wounded you, you wound them, and it leaves the marriage disconnected and broken.
When intimacy is broken down by our demanding spirits, controlling attitudes, and anger, we behave totally opposite of God’s plan for loving one another. Loving your spouse in ways as described in 1 Corinthians 13 means that you make decisions that soften and do not irritate your husband or wife. You demonstrate love to your spouse in a manner that stimulates positive responses and calming attitudes, that breed growth and connectedness in the marriage, for greater intimacy.
Maybe the best way to have a fulfilling marriage relationship is not to be in control, but rather out of your control and left in the control of the Lord. When placed in His hands, His Spirit is each of you can help you respond in loving ways that promote growth and transformation in your lives and relationships.
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