Love Is Content

Jealousy and envy showed up in our marriage when I felt like Jena was more “important” than I was. We remember a specific time when Jena was leading a women’s retreat, and the people in attendance were changed by the message that God had given her. As these women kept coming to me with praise of how God moved and what a wonderful job Jena did in leadership, I found myself envious of her glory. I turned Jena’s good attributes, accomplishments, and achievements into a source of anger, because I couldn’t handle her getting more credit than I did.
We have had many couples sit and talk with us, where one spouse or sometimes both would say, “My spouse just doesn’t support me,” or “He won’t let me have any friends,” or “She won’t let me lead Bible study,” or “She knows I love to sing, but she refuses to support the gifts God has given me.” We attempt to hold one another captive to our own neediness, refusing to be content with who we are, and not allowing our spouse to be who God made them to be. The truth is that we must all be content where God has us—anything good in us comes from God anyway. We had nothing to do with it and He will not share His Glory with another. We can be content with the glory God has uniquely placed in each of us and appreciate that about the other instead of brooding in jealousy over it.
Learning to love in your marriage means you are not jealous. Love is not grieved at the good of others—their gifts, qualities, positions, or prosperity in life.
Loving through contentment is also being satisfied with your personal standard of living. Marriages often struggle because couples compare their own lives with the wealth and accomplishments of others. “Keeping up with the Joneses” can drive a wedge between a couple, as the pressure rises to acquire more and live outside your means, instead of being content with what God has provided.
It would be a great display of love to look at your spouse and clearly communicate that you love them just the way they are, and you are content with where you are together as Christ continues to grow you in your life. This doesn’t mean you don’t strive to improve, but rather you are content while ever striving.

Love Is Kind

Our family has taken many trips to Wal-Mart. On one of these ventures, we got out of the car and approached the entrance right behind an elderly woman. When she dropped her keys, I immediately bent down and retrieved them for her. When I did, she flowered me with accolades, compliments, and encouragement. The thank-yous were numerous. I showed her that chivalry was not dead. As Jena and the kids walked through the store, they noticed how proudly I walked, strutting around after performing such a good deed. When we went to checkout, Jena reached into her purse, pulled out her checkbook, and dropped her keys. As the knight in shining armor by her side, I said, “Hey Jena, you dropped your keys.”

Where did the kindness go? Why was I so kind to a woman I didn’t know but not to Jena? We thought about this later and realized some truths that gave us a new perspective on our marriage. First, Jena expected me to pick up her keys; after all, I had just done it for a stranger. Second, I didn’t pick up her keys because I took her for granted, knowing that she was quite capable of picking them up herself. Third, I perceived my “ministry field” with the wrong perspective. I wasn’t considering my marriage as a place of ministry.

We view our children, our church, our friendships, and even the perfect stranger at Wal-Mart as our ministry field, yet God has called us to minister to our mates first. The Bible clearly states in 1 Timothy 3:5 that a man cannot manage the things of God if he cannot manage his own home. The sad truth in marriages today is that we are more patient and kind to perfect strangers and friends than we are to our own mates. When we don’t get our needs met, we say and do very unkind things to force our spouse to respond to us. This is neediness and manipulation in its purest form.

To be kind in marriage is to be gentle in behavior, courteous, and obliging. It carries the picture of outstretched arms and open hands to show favor, blessings, and honor to the mate God has given you. Now that’s ministering through kindness. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” We asked an elderly couple who attended one of our conferences the secret to their 50-plus years of marriage, and they both answered, “We just learned to be kind to one another.” Kindness goes a long way in preserving a marriage.

When our daughter Jorja was 18 months old, she loved strawberry milk. It was a nightly ritual at our house for her to have a glass sometime before bed. One particular evening, Jorja asked for her milk, but we didn’t have any. As we explained to her that we wouldn’t be able to fix her a glass, she looked directly at me (Dale) and began to wink, smile, and show physical affection. Our son Cole looked at Jena and said, “Watch this, Dad’s gonna go get her some milk!” Sure enough, I left at 10:30 p.m., drove to the grocery store, and bought the milk and strawberry syrup so Jorja could have her way.

Selfishness and a need for personal satisfaction are happening in marriages constantly. Manipulation occurs when a husband and wife, while they are full-grown adults, act like children in big people’s bodies, seeking to manipulate their spouse to meet their needs without ever considering how to minister to them. As we grow through 1 Corinthians 13, we pray that you will see areas in your lives that need to change. We pray you will go from a selfish perspective to a ministry perspective. After all, Christ clearly says that we must decrease so that He can increase. If we want to save our lives, we must lose them, and when we are weak, He is strong. God gives grace to the humble, and our attitude should be the same as Christ as He humbly became a servant. So, are you ready to learn how to love?

Love Is Patient

In other words, love is long-suffering. The original form of the Greek word, makrothumeo, implies forbearance, endurance, with mildness and without resentment or indignation.

In our home, the struggle with patience showed up this way. Since I have a deep desire to feel important, I wanted to be on time to church, showing everybody that I had it all together. But Sundays were often frantic and furious—we woke up late, had children to get ready, and had to prepare for our church duties. For the first eight years of marriage, I would sit in the lounge chair and read the paper while Jena scurried about with the morning duties. When it was time to go, I grew impatient and began yelling, jingling my keys, and honking the car horn. Jena’s and my tempers would flare, and then we would ride to church in silence, supposedly prepared for ministry and worship. Meanwhile resentment and indignation grew against one another. I attempted to control my family—thinking that demonstrated my importance—through my own impatience.

Impatience was also a problem when our expectations weren’t met. Jena had in her mind the kind of spiritual journey I should be on. Many times she criticized me for not praying enough, not reading my Bible enough, or not leading the family the way she thought I should. She was impatient with my spiritual growth. Many a wife’s intentions may be good, and some of the facts true, but because a man’s deep desire is to feel important, the constant sense of failure causes him to retaliate or quit trying.

Being impatient with your spouse can create problems.

Today, we seek to join together in partnership. We are patient with the journey God has for each of us. We work together to get the kids ready for church, and we realize that as individuals, we don’t always approach and handle things the same way, and that’s okay. We don’t nag and demand, but we demonstrate patience, one to the other, with long-suffering, mildness, and endurance. We love intently by praying for and being patient with each other.

One of the most loving things we can do is learn to be patient with one another. Patient in our spouses' spiritual growth, patient with our spouses' daily activities, and patient with our spouses' learning how to be a good spouse! Ask God to help you through the power of His Spirit within you to be more patient and show the love of Jesus. After all, He sure has been patient with us!

Dale and Jena